ashley

My life has been a little lacking without you dear elljay.
Fortunately, I believe I'm gettin back to the point where I can/need/want/desire to journal.
This means I get to bore/annoy/amaze/inspire you with my meaningless/full posts.


oh how I've missed thee.
(this is just a tease, real update VERY SOON!!)


DONT BE HASTY. WAITIN MAKES IT TASTY ;)



**but most importantly, how has your life been?
<3ash

holy damn its another new year.
its 2009, and no i havent forgotten about you dear journal. life is just going by, i can hardly find time to blink what with work and worries.
its difficult to remember what i ate for dinner last night, let alone find a computer and have time to journal.

plus, i think ive just gotten to the point where i just dont need to write in here as much.

dont get me wrong, my brain is still so cluttered and racing that i have to write things down constantly just to clear out all the shit im thinking about. but sadly, ive been computerless for quite awhile so in the mean time ive invested in a cute golden, map printed journal. you know? those old fashioned ones that you write in with ink? ;)
haha, but i have pretty bad handwriting.

the only thing bad about this year is that my peachy peach wont be spending it with me. i miss that little booger face soo much. i hope hes happy and safe, cos all dogs go to heaven and i cant wait to see him again one day.

gahhh getting all sappy.
once i get a computer back i have a lot of plans for this journal and all my online album. :)

yayyy 09'!!
ill be so happy once Obama's inaugurated...
hah ..dont think i spelled that right but whatevs..
damn smot poking.

my resolution is to quit though.

I swear I'm a changed person.


so, why all of a sudden.. (when looking through old pictures on my photobucket)...
why do I have an irresitable urge to fast?


I've been good for almost over a year now.
and by good I mean eating.

I've been eating for over a year now.
 

 trying to stifle my want to be thin.
I thought I was over this,...I am! I am! right??
why would I want to put myself through that hell again?
the counting, obsessing, worrying, weighing. I'm fucking done with it dude.

Yeah, I have curves- so sue me. the men like them.
I also have hair that finally wants to grow.
and suffice to say, a tad more confidence. A TAD.

So, why all of the sudden do I want all that miserableness back?

what the fuck.
okay, so maybe I just got a little triggered.
This being my first time back online in ages... and the last time I had my computer I was a completely different person.
and I am now too, right?

Maybe there will always be a piece of me that obsesses over my body always.
maybe it's just a part of who I am.

I've missed everything about this place.
somewhere to make sense of my thoughts..
some place to confess my obsessions, and insecurities.
to just vent...

like..about life.

starting with how it seems to be moving so fast... too fast, and I can't catch up.
I'm the chubby kid waddling and wheezing behind everyone else.


please tell me I'm not the only one who feels like that.

the best dog I've ever had passed away this morning. :'(

R.I.P. Peaches
Feb 16, 2000

he was my heart...but I hope he's happy and not hurting anymore.
I asked God to watch over him in Heaven until I get there.
I know that will be a long time but it's really nice to think about.
omfg it's gonna be so hard not seeing my Peachy Peach every day.
peaches, I love you so much. please please know that you were loved and I'm going to miss you so much and even though i'm crying, I'm glad that you're safe and probably playing like you're a puppy again. i love you booger face, my peaches..my baby.

I've lost 10 pounds!!

Next it will be another 10, but I'm thinking I want to stay a little thick.
Cos, I was noticing that I'm starting to like my curves.
I fill out a halter pretty nice nowadays.
and plus...curves are sexy, right??
the boys sure do respond to them. ;)

But fuck the boys. I got a man.
As of last night, when Cody asked me out...
We've been chillin for 6 weeks, takin it slow and getting to know eachother, but
omg, he's got me.
<3 11-27-07 <3
Daniel Dacoda Rogers
I think Dacoda is a damn sexy name, :*
[sometimes I whisper it in his ear when we're..haha =]

Tomorrow I'm getting my 97' 2-door, silver Cougar!! at noon!
Tomorrow Cody is buying a 03' 2-door, white Cougar! at 10:30 am.

isn't that the craziest shit??
He's also a Cancer, just like me.
Our Moms are the same age apart.
and we both have a sinlge matching freckle below our right hip bone.

I'm so crazy about him. And he treats me right...I'm talking opening the door, buying my drinks, driving me home, respecting me.
He's the manager at an italian restraunt and hes only 17. makes over 400 a week.
but it's not even about the money. he's a hard worker, and hes so damn kind and respectful. I really can not believe I have a good gay for once.
I can't help but be affectionate when I'm around him.

but hhaaa, I'm know. boring boring boring.
but so this was my first real up
date in a while.. OHHHH!!!

now art time!!!
PAGE RAPE-AGE!
what do you think? I'm curious..


my little sister, drawn when I was 13.... 2002


still life, 02'


02'


drawn without looking..


02'


just for fun on my portfolio


did this when I was a freshman... kinda blurry


art final


my fa part.


=D


just sketching..


kermit lurves u!!


it's a flower!


collage... can u see the green, if u know what I mean?? =]


painted version of the collage, I know u can see the green now!


I wish I'd lived in the sixties...



my favorite part of the whole piece. splattering was fun!


04'


04' wino!





this is a dream I had.
It was night time and I was walking up a mountain; there were alot of tree branches hanging over my head, and moon light was shining through them..


scrolling, I sat in front of the christmas tree on christmas eve and did this.. lol.


the enddd.

LAST AND FINAL CUT.

if you haven't commented already, please do so at this time.
I've been procrastinating, but now I'm willing and able so, please, if you enjoy reading my posts, drop a line and you shall continue on.

otherwise- ::snip snip:: bye bye you go.

I was very pleased to see how many still wanted be friends, and this is just a last call for those who didn't get a chance.... and sadly- still waiting for a few replies from certain significant others. =[

so. yeah. ALLLLLLL ABOAAAARD.

[[EDIT]] MAY 23. 2007
Everything you read after this entry is only public because I was too lazy to make it FRIENDS ONLY.
I had to go back only 3 months (but since I post a lot- that's A TON) and make all my posts individually friends only instead of my usual public entries.

but anyways. so, just know that the entries you're about to read are old; unless you're a friend- then you won't read this cos its too far back.

PEACE.


Back to this original entry.....
FEB. 01. 2007
I just don't feel like updating. I mean, I want to. But. I'm just way too lazy.
How's about things are pretty bitchin' right now.

so I'm happy.

Got to do some fun things tonight. 
Yessir.

Twas a good night.

Secretly, I haven't been taking my medicine. It's only been about 3 or 4 days. I feel less "tangled", and I feel natural. I'm not saying the medicine is bad, or that it's not working. I'm just going to take a little break untill I get my shit together. Whatever that may be.

SO. Yeah. 
Shhh.

Lemme tell ya about my wonderful day yesterday.

I woke up at 10:30 and borrowed 10 bucks from my mother for breakfast. Liz and Stokely came and picked me up and we went to Brrrrrunch at IHOP.
Sadly. On the corner of 9th and Keating, there was a dead dog just laying there. like he was sleeping. I noticed it because Liz looked over and gasped then turn back to face me so I wouldn't look. BUT. I did look. :( and then I called 911. 
It was so sad. :( I hope he didn't die because it was too cold out.
We went to Ihop Because it was a late start day for them at school, so they skipped. And because IHOP pwns Waffle House. Our waiter had two toned hair, ie: scene kid and therfore we joked about his hair the whole time. He was avery slow waiter, and I guess it was because alll the bleach leaked into his brain... but only on one side of his head. I got syrup in my hair and freaked out, cos ya-know. It would be sticky later... but Liz screamed "GOD FORBID" and this became an instant joke between her and Stokely. hmph. I thought about purging in the bathroom, I really did. BUT. I decided not to spoil my morning.
After we left our waiter 3 bucks for some hair dye we headed off to the cold ass beach. We stopped at the Wish Bridge so Stokely could take a picture of the hot pink Edgar Allan Poe. ...and the construction guys across the stree were staring at us so I waved, but then gave him the finger when he began to massage his nipple. 
We only stayed at the beach for like, 10 minutes because it was so cold. We sat in the sand on my blankies, and took pictures. lolzzz camwhoresss.
Thern we decided to go to the Gulf Breeze Cinema to catch a flick. We saw Happy Feet again, and omg it was so coool!!!!!!...but accidentally. XD! I got to see Mumbles and Glorias song/dance/thing and I was happy, but we had to go get Jason and Derek from school. Good thing we snuck in.
I smoked an extra lot sos that Jason would bitchbitchbitch. and oh how he did. XD! 
Then. I borrrowed Justins car and tried tro meet Danielle and Kristen somewhere, but that didn't work out. So I went and picked up Brandon and we went tO Wal-mart. I stole another Camels sign, and got cigarettes. yayyyy!
Then I dropped Brandon off, said hello to Moo Paw, and then went and picked up Neil from work.
He did my curtains, and then we went to Sonics and got din din. ewww. so much food.
After that, I was at home and Danielle, Marcela, and Kristen stopped by to smoke a few blunts. :) :) :)
BUT. Sadly my mom caught us. and now I don't have my lap top or my door. YEAH. She took them off the hinges. Ahh whatever. It's just a bit of weed. Chill out, Mommy.
And so anyways. After that she made us eat dinner at the table, and said we're going to church on Sunday. 
Ahahhhahahahahahahahahaha. no. I'm not going to church.
So. After a shower and some Law and Order I got Justin to drive me over to Neils. cos I wanted to seee him. We hung out in Neils rooms and watched Roseanne. and we had pizza. omg. wtf. so much. food. ew. fasting now though, so all is good. 
I've been hovering around 113-115. 

I don't know what else to say. 
How the hell did I use to write such damn long entries???

MUST. UPDATE. ABOUT PAST TWO DAYS....

.....later.


Slleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

I don't have the energy to record these past few days. I forgot to take my pill last night, so I'm wondering if these are the effects I'm feeling. God, I hope not. I don't want to be dependant on those things.
I'm achy, restless and in slow mo. My eyes are bloodshot, but I assume that's from sleeping in Neils freezing cold room.

Okay, I'm going to push myself to update.
I withdrew from Washington. It was about as pleasant as Satan's asshole.
Sunday I have an interview with Outback Steakhouse as a Hostess, making $8.50 an hour plus tips.
[[EDIT]]
-and how I'm feeling now/will be feeling soon, I dunno if I can handle standing up in heels for hours at a time. I don't want to faint, my first week there.... >,<


Krystin has peanut butter and jelly fish socks.
And to top it off, I've been eating. :( Ugh. 

Okay. I don't feel like updating anymore.

[[EDIT]]
I'm kind of glad I have a little over a month off before I go back to school. 
It will give me time to finally start scrapbooking, and getting my life back together.

Damn you, depression, I will fight you.
You won't take me.
I am alive.
and I am capable.
SO. SUCK ON THAT. bitttttch.

"My ED" by Ashley Conlin


and what do I think? What can I think? I can't think. Maybe that's the problem.
If I thought, I know I wouldn't be doing such horrible things to my body.
Sure, there's the cliche' starving thing. 
But my ED has spawned all kinds of terrible behaviors.
My apathetic attitude towards my education.
My slowly depleteing relationships with old bestfriends.
and unfortunately this eating disorder has given birth to all kinds of drug addictions.
ANY and all behavior that will kill my body is welcomed.
"Let's stay out all night, do drugs, and not sleep!" 
because then I won't eat because eating is such a disgusting thing when you're on drugs .
(and it's a waste of perfectly good drugs.)
Honestly, I don't know what to think about my disorder.
Actually, ahaha, we've already discovered that I don't think.
See? There's me again. not thinking.
I hate thinking about it. It's too much to take in.
pardon the pun.
So, I don't think, cos if you think-
you fail.
and failing=fat.
SO.
Never think.
Never eat.

The end.

It's nasty outside.
My plans got canceled.
My boyfriend's at work.
I'm lonesome.
My bestfriend is home alone too, with nothing to do.
I have a stye.
We have no hot water.
I had to take a freezing cold shower.
I'm on the rag.
My mom just stumbled in drunk.
and there's nothing on TV,
and I don't even feeli like being online.

What the fuck, man!!!

Teo came to visit me!!! And she brought a friend who was both wayyy tinier that the both of us. And secretly we'd talk behind her back about how much we hated her because of how skinny she was. Anyways, we decided to go to my familys big church family reunion. This is strange because a)I have a teeny tiny family, and b) pssh, I don't, er we WON'T certainly be going to church. lmao. anyways. on the way there my sister was driving us in a van, it suddenly got darker and we got lost in the dark woods. It was creepy. The woods were known to have mythical creatures and such but we found our way back. In the church parking lot, about to pull into our spot, a man threw his bananna wrapper, yes wrapper, not peel. He peeled the banana out of a wrapper- O.O anyways- he threw it accidentally our way, and apparently this was just as bad as throwing a bomb because I leaped out of the passenger side and flung myself to the ground. The parking lot space exploded into a whole of sand and her, my sister and her friend were trapped! I beat on the windows, and I tried climbing through the window, and finally I mad the wrapper guy get help- only after bitching him, out for littering. They all got out, I don't remember how though. OH Wait. They LIFTED the van up from the sand and set it on the concrete. :) after church Teo and I began exploring the school part of the church. On our way into the bathroom a woman, who was supposed to be the hall monitor or something tried to lecture to us about how wonderful babies were and that if we gor pregnant we should have the baby. We laughed in her face, kept yelling obscenities, like "abort that shit!" as we pushed her out of our way and did our buisness in the blue stalls. I even think we whispered through the stalls about how crazy she was.
Once back with my family, my uncle... or someone? was giving Teo a hard time and teasing her, so she teased him about his make-up that he was wearing. Although we concured that since he had such piercing teal eyes, that he could wear gold glittery make up if he wanted to. :P

yeah, ahahah.
This stye is killing me.
And does anyone know where I can upload a 125 MB video? You tube has a limit of 100 MB. Please help!

Right now I am waiting on my boyfriend to get back with an 8ball of cocaine.

But I'm not so sure I want it. Sratch that- I'm not so sure I need it.
At first we thought we may not be getting it, so I got really sad and down. 
And Neil kept teasing me about "withdrawals" and calling me "cokey mc-coke". 
Which pissed me off. And now I'm waiting to be in a better mood.
I waiting for the feeling I get right after I snort it up. The tingles, the numbess, that first shock and then the oh so amusing act of watching my pupils grow larger with each passing line.

I am NOT addicted.
I know the "euphoria" isn't real and that it won't last and that I'm stronger, or should be that this.
I am NOT addicted.
I know my family has a history of cocaine abusers, which means I am in danger.
I am NOT addicted.
I know when to stop. I know my limit. I'm not my family. I am Ashley.
And I won't fuck up anyones life with my releases. excpet, maybe my own.
BUT. That won't happen. Because I know me, and fuck you if you think you know me and have some sarcastic remark to say about this entry.


and due to lack of sleep and gobs of mascara, I now have a stye in my eye and it hurts likeabitch.
I ate a few pieces of pizza today, so I hope I'm still 113 in the morning.

But yeah. I don't even know if I want it.
HAH. Yeah,............................................................................. I want it.

I'm watching the sun rise, kind of. 
I haven't done that in forever.

I think I'll go outside and smoke a cigarette to enjoy the atmosphere. 

=]

My body was freaking out because I was about to start my firsty period in 4 months.
Fuck, I hate being a girl.
Now, fasting- I will be heavier and never know my correct weight.

Although at the moment it is 116.5.
Last night I weighed 120.5.

WTFFFFFF.
How am I going to lose if I am bloated and bleeding and yeah you needed to know that.

Currently there is no hot water because the heater is busted or some shit. so I had to wash my hair in the sink. 
in freezing cold water.
and I'm about to head to Cantonement to hang out with Liz and Danielle and Mitchell.
But I'm not loooking forward to it because Danielle sounds like she's in a bad mood, so whatever.

Liz A. isn't answering her phone, so ugh.


It's whatever.

For the past week I've been stressing which lead to binging, which lead to self-loating, which lead to this post, which will lead to shit. :)

yay!!!

I was stressed because out of no where I thought I might have a white trash bun in the-er my, oven.
And that sent me on a week long binge of nastyness, but this morning the two pregnancy tests read negative so I'm hella relieved.

I'm fasting, and I've been making plans with a few old friends to motivate me not to eat.
I was 112.5 last weekend. wtf man.
now I'm like a million times fatter and sadder.

but that's okay, story of my life. LOLZ.

SO NOW. I'm going to shower and then I dunno. Maybe catch the ANTM marathon or something.


ps. I have 1.2 grams of the cocAINah left, so I think I'll save it for those hungry days.